I Always Know What I Want, but I Don't Always Know What I Need

The sweetest thing just happened. Kayden was literally running around the house and I walked in the room where he was and sat down on the floor and said, "Come give mommy a hug and a kiss." And he ran as best he could with his arms opened and gave me the tightest hug and then a kiss on my cheek.  I told him that he just made mommy's day.

There are lots of days when I ask him for a hug or kiss and he squirms out of my arms b/c he doesn't want to do it. Some days he can't be bothered. I am more conscious everyday with the little things of how much love I have for that baby.  I can remember it only being me and Tyler and me feeling like I could never love another person as much as I love Tyler.  I use to worry that if I ever had another child, I would have a favorite and there's no way I could love them like I do Tyler.

Even when I was pregnant and found out I was having a little boy, I thought "Great another boy. What's so special about that. I've already done that."  But boy was I wrong.  People have said before that "The heart makes room."  And God surely knows what he is doing b/c every single day that little baby brings me so much joy.

I mentioned that I would share some of the lessons I've learned over the past year about myself. One of them being that "I may always know what I want, but I don't always know what I need."   I can think of a lot of times when I thought I wanted something and I mean really wanted it but got something totally different and it was just what I needed.

Remember THIS? This is back January 2009.  Over 4 years ago our company called us into an office and had a very important meeting to tell us that our office would be closing. No, we weren't going to lose our jobs, they would allow us to work from home 100%.  And I can't recall if I blogged much about it or not, but I am pretty sure I did. I had reservations about working from home. So much so that I did not WANT to work from home. I even started looking for other opportunities and interviewing outside of the company.

None of those opportunities panned out.  And here I am 4 years later and I would not trade my position working home for one making more money in an office.  How was I to know back in January 2009 that my life would take so many twists and turns and that working from home would be just what I NEEDED?

The hyperemesis that I had during my pregnancy with Kayden, how would I have survived that in an office?  All of those doctor appointments that I had? Sure most companies are flexible with doctor's appointments but there were literally days when I was at work, but not really at work. I was laid in my bed hoping the phone would not ring.  What would I have done in an office?

And what about when Kayden's daycare situation changed? That would have been a temporary problem that I probably could have found a solution for w/in a week or two, but when that changed, I was also making changes in my relationship. So his father paying for his daycare stopped and what would I have done if I were not working from home?

I cannot tell you how many times I give thanks for being where I am. Not b/c I planned to be here or b/c I asked for it or wanted it, but b/c God gives me what I need, despite what I tell him I want and it always works out better for me.

I never WANTED to be a stay at home or work from home mommy to anybody's baby. But do you know how much joy I get everyday when I wake up and I am able to provide for my boys and still take care of Kayden in the meantime?  I get to introduce him to the world everyday via new things, whether that is trying new fruits or eating grits or walking outside to see what the birds are singing about today?  I could never have imagined this life for myself, but it's certainly one that I am grateful for.

I use to write a lot of "Dear Him" letters. And when I met Kayden's father, I was certain that he was HIM or perhaps I WANTED him to be HIM.  My relationship with him also showed me a lot about what I thought I wanted versus what I actually NEED.  It's great to have a man who attends church with me every Sunday, but I NEED him to go a little further and actually have his own relationship with God. I need him to actually try to live out the principles in the Bible.  I need him to actually have his own faith and be praying for me when I'm in a low place and can't pray for myself.  Some of these things I did not know to ask for, but they are what I now realize I NEED.

I bet if you were to look over your life, you will see that you spend a lot of time telling God what you WANT, but it's so much better when he provides what you NEED.  Sometimes they are one in the same, but sometimes they can be so far apart.  What I am learning is to trust that his provisions are much better than what I WANT for myself.

Count Your Blessings

I was reading THIS post. It had nothing to do with the post I'm writing, but it did jar my memory.  She said something about counting our blessings.

I never learned to wash my own clothes until I went to college.  Now that sounds really strange considering I was doing everything else for myself early on. Cooking, perming my hair and washing it, etc.  The reason I didn't learn was b/c we did not have a washer and dryer at home. We went every Saturday morning to the laundromat and washed our clothes.  Well "WE" didn't wash, my Aunt did all of the work. I went with her and did my own thing, whatever that was until she was done.

She never asked or told me to fold, wash, etc. nothing. I remember hating having to go there. It was a boring place. The seats were hard.  It smelled like fabric softener.  But if you needed anything during the middle of the week that was dirty, you were SOL. B/c she did not go to the laundromat, except on Saturday mornings.  She did eventually buy a washer and dryer once I left for college.

When I graduated from college and moved to my own apartment, I got a townhouse with a washer and dryer hookup. Of course fresh out of college I didn't have money for a washer and dryer so I told myself I'd save up and get one b/c I'd gotten use to being able to do laundry whenever I wanted and not having to do it in a public place.

The first week after I moved into my townhouse, I had to wash clothes and went to a laundromat.  I remember sitting there and hating it.  People with kids were in there and they were running amuck. It wasn't the cleanest place and I didn't really want my clothes out.  That whole time I sat there pissed.  Once I finished washing my clothes, I got in my car and I called my boyfriend at the time. I told him that I had just left the laundromat and I hated it and I was not going to come back again.  He laughed really hard and I told him I was serious and he needed to buy me my own washer and dryer by the next time I needed to wash my clothes or else.

I was "interesting" back then.. At any rate, before the week was out, I was getting a delivery of a new washer and dryer.  I have never had to go to a public place to wash my clothes since that time.  Last summer my dryer stopped working. Yeah, that same washer and dryer set that I had right out of college. I went that very day to Lowe's and bought a new dryer.

Each Spring I usually go in the attic and get all of my comforters and have them cleaned. Usually I take them to the dry cleaners and it is $36/comforter for them to clean it.  That's steep! I'm not paying that and they are too big to fit in my regular sized washer.  So I decided a few days ago that I would just gather all of the comforters and take them to the laundromat and wash them and they'd be packed away until I'm ready for them again.

Yesterday was the day I decided to do this after work.  I warned Tyler that it may be "interesting" and to not say anything out loud that he hasn't thought about before hand.  He did not know what I meant, but once we got there he did.  I felt really dumb. It was hard figuring out how to operate the machines or even how much money was needed. Once I got it going, it wasn't so bad.

But sitting there made me think of something very humbling.  I'm sitting there with my two children by choice. But as a child, I sat there as a necessity.  Tyler has never known some of the experiences that I have known as a child.  He won't ever have to understand not having money to buy your own washer and dryer.  From the conversations we have, whenever someone doesn't have something - say a car, he thinks its simply a matter of "Why don't they just save up and buy themselves a car?"  Whereas as an adult you understand that its not that simple.

On one hand, I'm glad he doesn't have the exposure to things that I had growing up, but on the other hand I think he could stand to be exposed to some things so that he will know that it's not all roses out in the world and our choices and our work ethic can take us down one path or another, but that its up to him.

And if I am really honest with myself, I think my disdain in going to a laundromat is from my childhood experience and feeling like people that used laundromats were poor.  What child wanted to be poor or known as poor?  It's amazing the things you realize when you really reflect and get to the root of things.

I was reminded simply by sitting in that laundromat for an hour or so that I'm very blessed. My kids are blessed. And there's nothing shameful about growing up poor.

Weekend in Photos

These photos above are from Sunday. I had wanted us to take a group shot to send to my Aunt in her birthday card but never got around to it.  I love this photo of the boys. Despite their big age gap they have fun times together.

Friday night Kayden was gone and I had some free time. I met a friend for karaoke.

Saturday morning bright and early Tyler and I went fishing with his Scouting group.
This was our location.  Talk about peaceful. I almost want to go back out there by myself with my journal and some wine. Wait, that may be against the law..

He only caught a very little fish that he had to throw back in.  But it was a good time all around. We packed lunch and spent several hours out there until it started to rain. We also did a hike through the woods.  Tyler knows how to bait his hook and how to pay attention to the bobbing thing and all of that. It's amazing to me to see him mature. He also realized that you should be quiet. So he sat quietly just waiting to see his line moving in the water.  Now he wants to go back this Saturday. I doubt I'm getting up again that early but we will see.

That pretty much sums up our weekend! Always an adventure...

Parental Relationships

First let me start off by saying that I really appreciate those of you who comment. I may not respond or reply sometimes but I do read all the comments. I also really appreciate the email responses when the mood strikes you and I do respond to those.  I received an email from someone earlier this year that I've been thinking about and reflecting on for months. I kind of see it as a "good word" for my future. So thank you!

Now on to today's thoughts.

Sunday's message at church was about broken people.  One of the examples he used was when you have a teen son or daughter and they get their first heartbreak.  He talked about how we feel as parents watching them in pain, but also with the wisdom to know that the pain won't last too long.  We give them encouraging words and tell them that time will heal their wounds but it's something that they have to just walk through on their own.

When he was speaking about that, I imagined myself as God's daughter and my own heartbreaks and disappointments. I know with my own child, I try to give him advice and suggestions, but sometimes he has to learn the hard way and in doing so that means sometimes he deals with his own consequences w/out me having to give him any, but other times I do issue out correction and discipline.

And when I think about how Tyler and I interact, there are some things that I am constantly on him about but they are for his benefit.  For instance, one of the things I am constantly preaching is "Do your work first and then play."  This means come home from school and get a snack, but then get to your homework or your chores and then you can relax.  I see too many people in life who want to play first and don't get around to the work or they procrastinate on it. That burns me up!  Especially if you are a man. You will have to learn to get your work out of the way and be able to relax with a clean mind and not the work weighing down on you.

Sometimes he knows this and goes right to what he is suppose to do. Other times I have to remind him.  And I can see in his facial expressions that he gets ticked off with me about these sayings and about me forcing him to do these things, but I always tell him "I'm doing this for your benefit and one day you will thank me."  He probably doesn't see it this way now, but later on he will.

But back to the message from Sunday. Listening to that made me imagine myself as God's daughter and how he instructs me and guides me on how to live and my decisions and sometimes I come to him for advice and sometimes I make decisions on my own. And he gives me the freedom and the ability to do what I want b/c he knows that I will have to just live some lessons out and learn them the hard way.  But he's still there to nurse my broken heart and disappointments whatever they may be.

"11 For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome." Jeremiah 29:11

I wholeheartedly believe this scripture.  While somethings may seem hard or unfair or whatever, I know that the outcome will be best for my final outcome. I spent some time asking God why he allowed me to meet certain people in my life.  Like why not, just spare me all of that and let me go another route. But I'm much wiser now.  And I also realize the lessons I needed to learn.

And while I learned a lot about others, through my experiences I learned so much more about me.  We cannot control other people, but we have to take an honest assessment of ourselves so we can know ourselves.  A good way to know who you are is to be put through some fire and tough times. No, we do not chose this but when it does happen to us, we can learn a lot.  And we have to be able to be realistic with the things we learn about ourselves also.  Don't just brush it aside.  Nobody is perfect and we should always be continually striving to be better people.  One thing that I learned about myself is that I can't just set boundaries, I have to be firm and keep those boundaries through all things and with everyone.  I should probably do a series of posts on some things I learned about myself over the past year or so.

At any rate, whatever those realizations or lessons were, they were for my own good and will eventually lead to my success.

Kayden Turns 1

Kayden will celebrate his birthday on July 2nd.  I'm thinking about taking Tyler & Kayden to the beach for a few days and probably will be there on his actual birthday which is a Tuesday.

I am also considering maybe a small party on the Saturday before his birthday. I don't want to do this at my house but would like to invite friends and family. Do you guys have any suggestions? I'm drawing a blank.

PS. Do not say anything outlandish.. I am not rich!